The "Hot Stove" Test: Why You’re Still Mad (And What To Do About It)
By Willy Han, creator of MyCoolSelf and the voice behind @NoPainNoJoke.
Let’s rip the band-aid off quickly: If you can’t tell the story of your past without your blood pressure spiking, you haven’t fully healed it.
I know. That sounds harsh. It sounds like I’m blaming you for being upset that your ex stole your cat or your boss fired you via a Post-it note. I’m not. Your anger is valid—but carrying it around like a radioactive backpack is exhausting.
The Scar vs. The Scab
Think of your memory like a physical injury.
A Healed Scar: You can touch it. You can describe how you got it. It’s part of your skin now. It doesn’t hurt when you poke it.
An Open Scab: You flinch if someone brushes against it. You recount the injury with the same adrenaline spike you felt when it happened.
If mentioning “The Incident™” from 2018 still makes your jaw clench, you aren’t recalling a memory; you are reliving it.
🌉 The Pivot (How I Fixed My Brain)
I used to treat my grudges like pets—feeding them daily until they were big, strong, and totally unmanageable. I’d replay arguments in the shower until the water ran cold.
Now, I run these thoughts through my Funny Persona in MyCoolSelf to turn the tragedy into comedy, or the Cool Persona to remind me that “living well is the best revenge.” It doesn’t delete the memory, but it drains the poison out of it.
The 3-Step Reframing Check
If you suspect you’re still carrying a “Scab,” try this cognitive reframe:
Acknowledge the Debt: Anger often comes from feeling “owed” something (an apology, money, time).
Declare Bankruptcy: Accept that the debt will never be paid. The debtor is gone/broke/doesn’t care.
Close the Account: Stop checking the balance. The anger is the interest you are paying on a debt they owe.
When you can tell the story as if it happened to a character in a movie—with detachment and maybe even a little humor—you’ve officially graduated from “victim of the past” to “survivor with a good story.”
Sources
Cognitive Reframing Principles: Adapted from standard CBT practices regarding emotional regulation. (General Knowledge)
“Anger as Unfinished Business”: Gestalt Therapy concepts on “unfinished business” and emotional closure. (AE)
Ready to upgrade your inner dialogue?
📱 Download the App: Get the Funny, Kind, and Cool perspectives in your pocket at MyCoolSelf.com.
💪 Follow the Journey: Catch my daily roasts and updates on Instagram/TikTok @NoPainNoJoke.
Disclaimer: The content provided in this newsletter is for entertainment and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional psychological or mental health advice. If you are struggling with significant trauma or anger issues, please consult a qualified mental health professional.