You Are Living Better Than Henry VIII (And You Smell Better, Too)
By Willy Han, creator of MyCoolSelf and the voice behind @NoPainNoJoke.
Let’s play a game. Would you rather be a Medieval King (circa 1400 AD) or an Average Joe in 2024?
At first glance, the King has gold and the power to execute people who chew too loudly. Joe has student loans. But look at the raw data.
📊 The “Royal vs. Regular” Rumble
Before we dive in, let’s look at the stats.
1. The Throne (Literally)
The King: The King had a “Groom of the Stool”—a noble whose job was to wipe the royal bottom. The toilet led to a cesspit. It smelled like death.
Average Joe: You have a porcelain throne. You have a fan. You can play Candy Crush in total privacy.
The Verdict: Joe wins. No amount of gold compensates for the lack of plumbing.
2. The Health Hierarchy
If you got sick in 1400, your doctor was also your barber. Here is the decision tree for medical care:
The Verdict: Joe wins. Being alive past age 40 is a luxury kings couldn’t guarantee.
🛑 The Bridge: The Anxiety Paradox
Here is the weird part. Despite having hot showers and antibiotics, modern humans are arguably more anxious.
Why? Because our brains are wired for tigers, not spreadsheets.
I used to spiral when my boss sent a “We need to talk” Slack message, convinced I was heading to the metaphorical chopping block. Now, I run these thoughts through my Cool Persona in MyCoolSelf to realize it’s probably just a budget meeting, not an execution.3. Entertainment & Boredom
The King: Entertainment was a jester making fun of people. If you wanted to see a play, you waited months.
Average Joe: You carry the sum of human knowledge in your pocket. You can watch a tutorial on how to build a log cabin or watch a cat fall off a table instantly.
4. Romance: The “Swipe” vs. The “Treaty”
The Verdict: Tie. Both are tragic, just for different reasons.
Conclusion
You are, by every metric except “number of castles owned,” living better than 99.9% of all humans who came before you.
So next time you’re stuck in traffic, remember: Henry VIII would have traded his entire kingdom for your air conditioning and a Tylenol.
Ready to upgrade your inner dialogue?
📱 Download the App: Get the Funny, Kind, and Cool perspectives in your pocket at MyCoolSelf.com.
💪 Follow the Journey: Catch my daily roasts and updates on Instagram/TikTok @NoPainNoJoke.
Disclaimer: The content provided in this article is for entertainment and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition.
Sources:
Life expectancy statistics (AE)
Historical sanitation practices (AE)
Antibiotic history (NA)